Epiphany

Epiphany
There are many things that we all struggle with - life is not something that passes without internal debate. The vast majority of the planet can discuss what they feel could be going better in their lives. Even celebrities point out flaws they can not stand - areas of need or improvement. I have taken pains here to explain something that I have struggled with in my life...........

I am pretty proficient at being charmingly self-deprecating while being acknowledged for public victories. It is something that I have cultivated meticulously during my adult life. I am known for having interview skills that were spot on and impressive. I will claim here, without shame, that I covet being considered each year for the title of Chieftess (the student elected award of Most Spirited Teacher). That I am among the finalists each year is a matter of pride for me. That I was voted Chieftess last year is the best award I have ever received, without question. That Stephanie Bohler received the award this year is lovely to me too, because she spent the time with students to earn it and because she and I share much of the same philosophy and attitude towards students. She seemed worried that she "took" it from me, but I was happy that someone who loves kids in the same way I do was the one who earned the award this year.

This leads me towards my epiphany...but first my confession. I have spent all of my life feeling less than worthy. Let me say that again, because I don't ever say it.... I have spent all of my life feeling less than worthy. When I was young, I watched the movie "Amadeus." Salieri (sp?) acknowledges at the end of the movie that in being second to Mozart, he was "the King of the Mediocres." That was how I thought of myself in high school - the Queen of the Mediocres.
What I have learned as an adult is that it is a chemical/biological part of me. There is no one in my past or current life that has created that for me. It is what it is....Period...I have been blessed with a therapist, and with several people (most notably my husband) who calmly provide me with the "right" sentiments when I need them. Sometimes I shamefully ask for it.........

But I have been mostly struggling with the relationships in which I have not followed through and maintained over the years. Recently (the last 10 years) I have carried enormous guilt over my relationship with my sisters, and (over the last 2 years) my friends. I have spent many personal hours trying to figure out why I avoid contact with my sisters, and then eventually my friends. It's not anything my sisters have done - other than starting their lives when I was still at home as a student - they just began their lives when it was normal for them to do so, but I was not yet formulating adult relationships...And it's not that my friends have disappeared - but they have moved upwards in their careers and live in Alaska, where they are busy and more successful than I am in education.

But what does it all come down to? I seem to play a scenario in my complicated head.............. Whenever there are areas that I feel successful in (teaching and parenting) then I feel an obligation to fail or be lower in an area that is different. I can't accept a reward without finding a different aspect of my life that fails. When there are areas of my life that I could stop and take care of; I assume that the conversation with that person will go badly because I waited so long. There, in my mind, has to be a sacrifice to the success. I am clearly not a convincingly good person...so therefore must be an area of disaster for every area of success. When I begin to make successful relationships at work, a personal relationship must be sacrificed - because I am not a good enough person to handle it all. It's not a conscious trade-off (although now I am more aware).

I love my sisters. I grew up very differently than they did, in my eyes. I can't ever achieve what my sisters achieve - even when, on paper and in other's eyes, I achieve what is similar. I am always the divorced, tatooted, internet sister. The one who was viewed as spoiled, but was instead protected and betrayed by the experienced in my life.

I do not know how I will reconcile all of this. I know that I am very appreciative of the people who gently monitor the Bullshit Meter and love me anyway :)

Thanks, and I love you

On Marriage

I have now been married for eight wonderful years to a man I admire and respect and for whom I feel great passion. We have been together for almost ten years, when you count that painful yet giddy time we worked out a life together from 3000 miles apart. Neither of us had been in a relationship for longer than a few years - our relationship was breaking new ground in so many ways.

We are different from each other in many facets of life, and yet we have so much in common. We both devour books in whole huge chunks of knowledge, yet I love novels and poetry and he loves non-fiction and logic. We both love sports, yet I love only team sports and he loves wrestling and fighting too. We both love teaching, yet I love the nurturing play of words and humor and he loves imparting knowledge to open minds so that they can have control over their future and elevate their lives.

We say "I love you" everyday, without question (although some days when the world is harsh I ask him to promise and he always does, gently). We detest fights and tension. We are careful with each other everyday, and if we tread too harshly on each other's feelings we apologize and mean it. We are a relationship worth 200% -each giving 100%. And if he can not give 100%, I will step up and give extra until he can give 100% again. I unequivocally trust that he will. I believe the same is true for him.

I read recently about another marriage. The author was exploring the definition of desire. "What we have lived in marriage, of course, is what countless people have lived: the realization that in giving, in truly loving, we actually stop wanting. In desire, we go from a place of need and try to satisfy ourselves; in loving, we leave our own needs behind and paradoxically find them met." The desire to remain married to this man and trust him with the rest of my life is not something with which I struggle or question. I just know.